Saving Liz Parker, Not Really, but HEY, They Tried
by charming2drew
Summary: Crackfic. The aliens rebel. The director dies. And Liz has poop for makeup.


Disclaimer – don't own anything. If I did, there would be another season of Roswell!

This is co-written with Sakurabound (myself), and broodyleytons.

Complete crackfic.

Max walked into the CrashDown and the ceiling collapsed on Liz!

Max covered his eyes and screamed, "I didn't think it would actually happen!"

"Cut! Jason you need to act more surprised/confused! Action!" Jason Katims yelled.

"Aghhhh! My love!" Max screamed.

"Max, you need to risk your life and heal her. Your life doesn't matter. Only our lives matter!" Isabel said.

Max had a flash of hurt cross his face. "I'll show you whose life doesn't matter!" He yelled.

"Max, just heal her. That can be her Christmas present, and then you don't have to pretend that you love her since you actually dislike her with a passion. I know, Max, that you love Maria!" Michael said.

"Well, someone's got to do something for Maria since her boyfriend doesn't put out enough!" Max yelled.

"Just so you know, Maxwell, I never loved her. I was never her boyfriend. We pretended because we thought that you and Liz loved each other. I love Liz, and Maria loves you." Michael said, his anger rising.

"You are a SICK freak!" Maria screamed. "I hate you! You said that we would never tell them. Since you can't keep your big fat ass of a mouth shut, did you tell them about the time when we snuck into Max's room and changed all of his clothes into miniature versions?" Maria yelled while slapping Michael across the face.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! You little…" Michael took a DEEP breath, "Hmm. Well, since you told that one, I bet Liz didn't know that we changed all of her make-up to permanent poop!" Michael laughed manically and tapped his fingers together.

"What! You asshole! Are you also going to tell them about the time that we had to get into character of loving each other and it progressed a bit too far and we ended up having a three way with Alex?" Maria shouted.

"You are the asshole! I had no intention of telling them anything, except that you love Max. And now they know all of the badass crap that we have done! Now they probably don't love us at all. They probably don't even like us anymore. So look at what you accomplished! Are you happy?" Michael screamed. He looked at Maria and saw that she had tears in her eyes.

"Just so you know, for awhile I did love you. And now you are a FUCKED up DICK!" Maria stormed out of the CrashDown.

Sweet bliss! Maria is single! Yes! Max thought to himself.

Mother of pearl! I can hear Max's thoughts. Ahh, oh no! Can he hear mine? Kyle thought inside his mind, while he sat in the corner where he ran after the explosion.

Shut up, beef cake!

Kyle looked around and met the eyes of his father.

Dad?

Yeah, ass wipe?

Kyle stood up and walked out of the diner. He didn't need this shit.

Yeah, walk away poo poo booty!

"AHH! I HEAR VOICES!" Tess screamed.

"What the crap?" Maria yelled, from down the street. The many people on the street turned and stared at her. Someone even gave her the evil eye.

Who is this?

Who is this?

Max?

Maria?

Is someone going to take their sweet ass fucked up time and save my stupid fucking, but nice ass?

Is that Liz?

No, it's your mother.

MOM?

No, the Easter bunny. Yeah, it's Liz. Save my ass.

Fuck no! Max thought.

Please.

No. Kyle thought.

No. Maria thought.

No. Tess thought.

No. Valenti thought.

Hell no. Isabel thought.

So no ones going to save me? Alex?

Maybe.

Alex, stay strong! Maria thought.

Fuck! NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. You can't make me! Mommy!

Yes?

"I wanna stay home and bake cookies with you mommy!" Max screamed.

No warrior king, save my pretty butt! You know you wanna smack it! Muhahaaa! Liz thought incoherently.

Max looked around.

"Yeah, we all heard that." Michael said, speaking for everyone.

"CUT CUT CUT! This is ridiculous, no one is in character! I hate to say this, but….well, everyone is fired. Goodbye! Calmly collect your belongings. You have the next five minutes to get your ass off my set. NOW!" Jason Katims yelled.

"You can't fire us." Brendon Fehr said. "We are the Aliens, in case you didn't know. This whole time you have had the real deal working in your stupid but fun T.V. show! Now that you have tried to fire us, you have to deal with the consequences!" Brendon and the rest of the Aliens, which somehow included al of the actors, rounded on the director.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The director yelled.

Silence.

"Okay, back to the show." Jason Behr said.

"Action!" Majandra yelled.

"So I need to lie back down?" Shiri clarified.

"Yes, Shiri!" Majandra yelled.

Brendon patted Majandra's shoulder. "It's okay, there is some chocolate and Midol in the food room. Help yourself."

That was a BAD idea, Majandra thought.

"You think I am PMS-ing?"

"Either that or you are going through metapause. But you're not that old." Brendon smirked.

"OK, VUT!" Jason yelled.

"What are you, a Canuck?" Colin asked.

"I meant OK CUT!"

"Ok, let's begin." Diane said.

"I'm tired. We should go to sleep after I keel over and die. We can just let me die, can't we?" Shiri asked.

"Action!"

"Fine! I will go save her ass and then we can go get rid of the directors remains." Max said.

"Max, stick to the script!" Diane commented.

"I am the script. Shut the FUCK up!" Max yelled. "I have to concentrate to heal Liz."

"I thought you could heal people pretty quickly?" Maria asked.

"Well, I don't really like Liz, so it's going to take some time." Max said.

"Ohhh." Maria said.

Max walked to Liz and then walked back to where he was standing.

"Max?" Michael asked.

Max shushed him with the middle finger.

Max then rushed to Liz. He bent down to the debris and he…couldn't find her. She was really buried deep. So deep that she was lost to the world. Eventually, Max found her, but by the time that he got to her out of the debris, she was……..to late to save. She was already dead.

"Well, I tried." Max said while he shrugged his shoulders. "I guess we can get off the set and have some fun with the director's remains."

Everyone walked away and off of the set.

"…..Guys? Is anyone going to save me? Guys? Help!"

THE END

Hope you enjoyed this random crackfic!

Reviews would be lovely.

My friend and I were high on Red Bull, Dr. Pepper, and Chocolate.


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